Despite what your Trekie friends say, Deep Space Nine kinda' sucks

Randall Anthony Schanze
Randall Anthony Schanze's picture

Deep Space Nine. Oy Veh. Where to start? Well as is well known by all but the most bleeding-from-the-eardrums Trekerbaiters, the show is a ripoff of Babylon 5. It's also regarded by most objective fans as inferior to Babylon 5. I'm not objective. I'm solidly in the B5 camp, but I've heard many an authority with no dog in this race vote for B5 over DS9, despite B5's vastly lower budget, toon-town special effects, spotty acting, tendency towards solliloques, and a universally hated fifth season. Even with all that, it's just better, you know? It's that indefinable air of charisma, that thing that can take a set of identical twins and make one of the sexy and the other just a thug. You can't bottle it.

Certainly Paramount can't.

Eventually, because of the decreasing quality of storytelling in the Trekiverse (TNG season 7, Generations, Voyager season 1, and DS9 season 3 were all in the same year!) and my general hatred of Paramount for their unsportsmanlike conduct, I boycotted Trek. That lasted for 18 years. A year or so ago, I decided it really no longer mattered, so I started cherry-picking episodes I liked from TOS and TNG. Everyone's told me not to bother with Enterprise or Voyager, and I'd written off DS9 long before I swore off Trek as a whole: It was just a terrible show. The first two seasons were crap, and while I recall the third season was a little better, "A little better" translates into "Just blandly forgetable, not Godawful." I don't remember much of it at all.

Through all this many of my friends have been urging me to give the show a chance. They say it got better once Voyager was on the air, and the Paramount Suits lost interest in DS9 and let it go its own way. They say that much like The Empire Strikes Back, it was kind of unloved but eventually emerged as the best of the bunch. Certainly the best other than TOS, they say. I remain skeptical because of the evangelical nature of trekerbaiters. Despite being my friends, they insist I watch their show on one hand and refuse to watch my shows on the other. They refused to respect my boycot, even though they knew full well about it. And honestly there's just a high quotient of Trekies who don't like science fiction, they just like trek. Everything else can pound salt. Sooooo, y'know....yeah.

Anyway, a few people I respect urged I should give it a try. One said "Eventually it became its own thing and stopped being just a B5 knockoff." Despite feelings of disloyalty, I decided to take the plunge. I decided to start with season 4, since that was allegedly when it started getting good. My having no memories of season 3 were a strong argument against starting there. If you're not good or bad enough to imprint yourself on my brain, I'm not wasting my time.

So I just finished the entire 4th season. I'm gonna grade each episode like in school, A, B, C, D, F, and then work out the GPA at the end

Way of the Warrior, pt 1 - CWay of the warrior, pt 2 - cThe visitor - B. (off station)Hippocratic oath - c (off station)Indiscretion - D (off station)Rejoined - DStarship down - B (off station)Little green men - B (off station)Sword of khales - F unwatchable klingon bullshit (off station)Our man bashir - d (might as well be off station)Homefront - a (off station)Paradise lost - a (off station)Crossfire - dReturn to grace - d (off station)Sons of mogh - slightly less unwatchable klingon bullshit - fBar Association - dAccession - bRules of. Engagement - cHard time - bShattered mirror - dThe muse - unwatchable bullshit - fFor the cause - aTo the death - cQuickening - cBody parts - bBroken link - c

That's 26 episodesscore: 4848/26= 1.84 GPA

Basically a D+.

If it's ok with you guys, I'm not going to watch season 5.