You can actually fool most of the people some of the time...

Jedi Mind Trick
Jedi Mind Trick's picture

I am 45 years old and have followed the Star Wars saga since watching the first movie in 1977. I was eight. The movie sent my young mind spinning off on daydreams about light saber duels, the utter coolness of robots, how kick ass holographic, interactive animated chess would be and, if I’m honest, the idea that girls (specifically brunette princesses) might not be so bad after all. In short, the movie changed my life and wired me for science fiction. Sure it was cheesy space opera and the heroes had illogical luck, but it was also bit dark and had an edge to it that Buck Rogers, Battlestar Galactica and Star Trek just couldn't muster. And...That was cool.

As awesome as Star Wars: A New Hope was - the second movie - The Empire Strikes Back was even better. The rebels get the crap kicked out of them on Hoth by giant, metal stomping machines, Boba Fett is cool, and Vader is off the chain killing generals, talking people into betraying their friends, and, of course, freaking Luke out by telling him he is his father one minute and then in the very next one cutting off Luke’s hand as punctuation at the end of his sentence. It was pure, distilled awesome.

And, for some reason, for almost 20 years, there were no other movies. Nothing. You’d think that Lucas and his Skywalker Ranch crew would have tried to cash in on the momentum they had in the franchise in the 80s. It made sense to wait a few years…like they did between Star Wars and the Empire Strikes back…but 20? Really? What was that all about?

Now, there was the rumor about a script that passed around on the early Internet. It was a hoax about a movie that Lucas was working on called Return of the Jedi. Like the supposed William Gibson version of Alien 3 that would come out in the 90s - except unlike Aliens 3, there wasn’t a real movie to watch as a means of comparison. There was just the script.

After reading this script, apparently, perfectly rational people, normal ones…teachers, doctors, policemen, even younger kids who normally see through this sort of crap, all started to believe there was a movie. You can ask people today and they will tell you that there were three movies in the original run of Star Wars. It was a trilogy they’ll tell you – and hold up DVD cases to prove it.

Wake up, people! It’s not true. Look inside the case. There is no third disc. (Note: Some particularly clever merchants DID put discs in the third slot in the trilogy DVD set. It isn’t the actual movie though. It is just a disc to make you think that there is an option to watch the third movie. Heads up. It's not really the third movie. Its a hypnotic pattern that flashes subliminal messages to make you THINK you're watching the movie.)

I mean really…have you really stopped to consider the script? Ewoks? These guys are ferocious fighters that are holding back the Empire? Why would they even be a speed bump? Wouldn’t the Empire just burn down the damned forests and their silly little treehouses? That would sap the cute little bastard’s spirit, wouldn’t it? I get girl power and all that, but what was that bit where Leia’s home planet gets blown to smithereens and she just glares at Vader? Excuse me? Not a tear, a gasp…nothing. Not for her entire home planet?! And how about Boba Fett? A guy like that going out for a burp gag? Think about it a second. Who does that to a really cool character? And speaking of death…what is the deal with the Jedi afterlife? I mean Vader, a planet crushing, sociopath with billions of deaths on his hands gets to hang out all glowy-like with near saints like Kenobi and Yoda? What the hell is that all about? *AND* he gets to grow hair back and look somewhat normal while Yoda is stuck with being an ectoplasmic raisin. It doesn’t make sense at all, does it?

Know why? Because it never happened. Its all a big hallucination. The population has been duped (sort of like the whole thing about income tax or Gulf of Tonkin, but those are conversations for another day.)

Note: The author of this article, to this day, has not managed to find a real copy of Return of the Jedi to watch. He prefers it that way because in his world, Vader is still a badass, Ewoks don’t exist, Boba Fett still has potential and the Empire is choking the life out of the pathetic excuse for a rebellion that has been put forward by the Alliance.