RETROSPECULATIVE TV: The Tick: “Couples” (Episode 6, or possibly 3)

The Tick and Arthur are on patrol, beating down some petty thief. The bad guy almost gets away, but is intercepted by another superhero team: “Fiery Blaze” and his (Very gay) sidekick, “Friendly Fire.” (Best. Sidekick. Name. Ever.) They do some surprisingly effectual Batman/Robin stuff on the bad guy, and function as a well-oiled (Ambiguously gay) team, impressing the heck out of Tick and Arthur. Blaze is very much the one in charge, and says things like “Nobody was talking to you” whenever Friendly says anything. Blaze invites Tick and Arthur out to dinner.

It quickly becomes apparent that Blaze and Friendly have a very abusive relationship. Blaze is domineering, insulting, dismissive, and really a jerk. Friendly acts very much like a browbeaten wife. Later in the bathroom, he even says, “Arthur, you’re smart. What should I do?” Meanwhile, Blaze preaches to Tick about Sidekicks, speaking very much in terms like a husband from a 1950s sitcom would talk about his wife: their place is to clean the lair, do the laundry, cook meals, sort and prepare the equipment, send out birthday and Christmas cards (he actually says this) and a bunch of other things. He says you have to keep your sidekicks in line, or they’ll walk all over you. Tick is impressed.

Tick: “Go tell it on the mountain!”
Blaze: “I *AM* the mountain!”

So Friendly leaves Blaze, and ends up living with Tick and Arthur. Of course it’s all cringingly gay, since Friendly looks, acts, talks, and preens like a late-90s club kid, primping his hair, futzing with stuff in the bathroom for hours on end. What the heck is he doing in there? Listening to loud, thumpy music all day long.

Tick: “The thumping has gotten in the walls, and in the pipes. It’s even making the tap water funky!”

Meanwhile, Tick gets authoritarian on Arthur, and Arthur gets pissy back at tick. They’re like an old married couple already, as Cap and Batmanuel point out. Friendly takes Arthur to meet three other abused sidekicks - *INCLUDING FISHBOY, LOST PRINCE OF ATLANTIS!* - who fill him with horror stories of their lives (Including throwing spears at them, and telling their mothers that they’re dead, then kidnapping them and taking them across state lines), and Arthur realizes that his relationship with the Tick is pretty good.

Arthur: “You guys, though, you’ve got serious problems.”

That night on Patrol, Friendly suggests he and Arthur and maybe some of the others form their own superhero team, “Sidekicks united,” or some such. Arthur refuses, and he and Tick pledge fealty to each other.

Arthur: “We fill in each other’s needs. Like, for instance, you’re bullet proof, and I’m not. So that’s good.”
Tick: “And it’s your firm grip on reality that keep me on track, chum!”

They declare their union a “Duo,” nay, a “Duocracy,” with nobody in charge. Friendly berates Arthur, but then Blaze shows up all drunk and crying about how he needs Friendly, the lair is a mess, his clothes are dirty, he’s not eating, and he has no interest in fighting crime anymore. Then he falls off the roof, so Friendly takes him home.

MEANWHILE, in the more-or-less completely unrelated subplot, Cap and Batmanuel are debating whether or not they’re alone.

Batmanuel: “Batmanuel is not ‘alone.’ ‘Alone’ is a sad state. ‘Lone’ is an aesthetic choice.”

Just the same, Cap decides to buy a dog to fill the void in her dateless 29-year-old life. A (very gay) dude named “Randall” refuses to sell her one, so we get some shenanigans where Batmanuel has to buy the dog for her, and ends up buying the wrong one. Said dog then makes her life a living hell (As predicted by Randall, which is why he refused to sell her one), until she inadvertently blows the thing - and her apartment - up with a hand grenade.

CODA:

As the credits roll, we see Batmanuel and Cap, both with lots of bandages and casts from the explosion, walking the dog, though the dog is out of frame the whole time.

Cap: “Well, at least he’s less of a pain to deal with now.”
Batmanuel: “Yes, most dogs are much easier to deal with after they’ve been neutered. Your method is very unusual, though.”

Then Tick and Arthur come by, see the evidently-very-deformed dog, which is still out of frame, and Tick yells “Holy Hannah! Where’d you get the platypus!”

The end.

OBSERVATIONS

I’m beginning to doubt the whole “Episode order” thing. Wiki says they were to come in one order,