…and now we come to part two of the penultimate story from Quark. Why did I break it in half and run it in two reviews, rather than cover the story as a whole? Well, primarily because the writers felt this story was so sprawling it could only really be appreciated in two discrete halves, and the network agreed. But in a larger, less dishonest sense, it’s because my review was running long, and I got tired of typing. Also, I paid good money for these DVDs, and there’s only eight episodes total. I wanted to pad it out a bit.
And pad it out I did, in much the same way that Buck Henry’s people padded out this only-slightly-longer-than-half-hour story into a full hour.
Last time, as you’ll recall, Quark was sent to do a trash pickup for the Starship Velcro (That’s still funny), but got sidelined and captured by the Evil Pirate and/or Emperor Zorgon the Malevolent (Who bears a striking resemblance to an overweight version of Artie from “The Wild Wild West”) and his sexually aggressive daughter, Princess and/or Empress Libido (Who bears a striking resemblance to Valene Ewing from Knots Landing). There’s also a guest appearance from this chickie-pie here:
though she looks not quite as fetching here as she did before the shark got to her.
Anyway, Zorgon is all crazy-eight-bonkers to get “It,” but much like the entire cast of Lost, he refuses to explain what “It” is and why he’s so interested to get “It.” He insists Quark must know all about “It” for some reason, and just to buy time, Quark claims “It” is on the asteroid Rumbar. Zorgon sets sail for that, and as they go into orbit, it turns out “It” really is there!
“Thank you, Quark! This means the end of Perma One and The Head, Gorgons will rule the galaxy, and none of this could have happened without you!”
Cue Closing Credits.
If you didn’t see part one, don’t worry about it too much because there’s a really, really long “Last time on Quark” recap at the start of the episode.
So: Zorgon stops the squishy-walls, thus saving the Bettys lives, and Gene/Jean (Still chained to Andy) manages to snow job the Gorgon scientists he’s briefing on “It,” without actually knowing what it is. Ficus, meanwhile, is freed by Princess Libido, but only if he’ll promise to marry her. He explains that he doesn’t’ love her, or even care about her at all, which inexplicably turns her on. A bad-boy thing, I guess. “Promise me you’ll never change!” she says. “As a vegeton, I never change, except with the seasons.” “So we’ll live happily ever after?” Libido says, “You will live happily ever after. I will merely live.”
Quark blusters into this, and Ficus explains that he’s honor bound to stay with Libido. They get to misunderstanding each other, owing to Ficus’ stoicism, and Quark gets more frustrated as he tries to say ‘goodbye’ to his friend, but the alien keeps misunderstanding it. Suddenly Ficus gets it: “Are we having an emotional moment?”
“Yes, we are,” Quark says.
“I’m pleased. You like those!” Ficus says.
Quark and the Bettys are taken to the surface to be fed to a “Lizagoth,” (Some kind of German Barbarian Reptile thing, I guess) to Quark’s consternation, “You said I helped you!” “You did, that’s why I’m being so lenient!” then stumbles across Ficus and Libido. At first he’s outraged, but he misinterprets Ficus’ emotionlessness for bloodthirstly detachment, and decides that’s an admirable quality in a son in law. Meanwhile, Gene and Andy are walking along a catwalk, and get into an argument as to whether they should jump or not. Gene/Jean says they should, Andy doesn’t. Finally Gene/Jean jumps, but Andy stays still, which - in a painful-looking stunt - results in Gene hanging by his wrist.
Now, I’ve mentioned that this show is primarily ripping off other shows and movies. We’ve done Star Wars, and three episodes of Star Trek thus far, and while they’re uneven and only occasionally funny, they’re at least focused, and their success or failure is based more or less on the strengths of the original material they’re lampooning. The one completely original episode - the first one - is also the weakest of the bunch. From my recap of this episode, you might be getting the idea that they’re not ripping anything in particular off, and you wouldn’t be far wrong. As with the only other time the series has gone its own way, it quickly