RETROSPECULATIVE TV: Battlestar Galactica (1978): “The Lost Warrior” (Episode 5, 3, or 2, depending on who’s counting)

I think this review will be a lot shorter. I really have hopes this time out. The first one I did was long enough to be evidence of some kind of neurological impairment, but the second one was merely an exercise in hypergraphia driven by OCD. Granted, still a neurological impairment (Actually two for the price of one), but it’s a much more serviceable, much less annoying kind of crazy than the first review. And this one should almost be like the kind of thing a normal human would do.

Why?

Because (A) this is the worst episode of the entire series, and (B) nothing much happens.

Apollo is on patrol all by himself for some reason (Though we never see solo patrols before, and never since), being chased by four Raiders. He runs away from the fleet, broadcasting cries for help. The Cylons assume he’s running back to the Galactica, and radio the information on its presumed course and heading to their command ship. (Baltar? Probably, but it’s never stated) Once the Cylons take the bait, Apollo heads off, but he’s out of fuel by this point, and can’t make it home. He manages to coast to a landing on a Wild West Planet.

No, Really.

Back on the Galactica, Adama refuses to send out a rescue party for Apollo, since blundering into the situation would undo all that his son was attempting to accomplish. Sucks for Boxey, though, so Starbuck and Boomer (Who are really a charismatic pair, I wouldn’t mind seeing a show just about the two of them) decide to take care of the kid and pretend everything’s ok, even though his dad ain’t a-comin’ home. They play Pyramid (Note to people who only know the RDM show: Pyramid is a card game here, Triad is the volleyball-like sport. RDM misremembered that, and didn’t bother to look it up.) until bedtime, then Starbuck’s ex-hooker girlfriend comes in and tells the kid to say his prayers and go to bed. I love that! Well, she *is* an ex-hooker, and prior to that she was a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold, so it’s not at all inconsistent. In fact it plays out as kind of sweet, but it still makes me laugh in concept. Jolly and Giles are in the card scene, but no Greenbean. Presently they decide to go look for Apollo, and Colonel Tigh eventually talks Adama into slowing the fleet so they can have a little more time to look for him. “Boxey’s lost one parent, he’s not gonna’ lose two!”

Adama: “All this effort for the commander’s son?”
Tigh: “That’s utter felgercarb and you know it. If it was Starbuck or Boomer or a first orbit cadet, you’d do it. Don’t let the fact that he’s your son diminish his chances.”

Meanwhile, back on the Wild West Planet (“Equellus”) Apollo has been taken in by the stereotypical beleagured widow who’s about to lose the farm. Turns out her husband, “Martin,” was killed by the local boss’s hired gunslinger, a guy named “Redeye.” Nine men have tried to kill Redeye and failed. From here on out, the episode is basically a blatant ripoff of Shane. If you want to know what happens, just netflix that movie. It’ll take longer to watch than this episode, but it’s well worth it. It’s much, much better.

In the end, Redeye turns out to be a brain-damaged Cylon (No, really!), and Apollo kills him. The dead “Martin” turns out to have been an MIA colonial warrior from 11 Yahrens earlier, and she gives Apollo fuel from the wreckage of Martin’s fighter. Apollo blasts off, finds Starbuck and Apollo, and heads back to the fleet.

As a final scene, we find the widow and her son staring up at the stars, talking about how Apollo promised he’d come back some day.

Say, that wasn’t too bad! I mean, not the episode - that was rubbish - but that I managed to get the whole synopsis in at under a page, even with a sizeable digression about a non-Canadian hooker. Of course I had to cheat by referencing an outside source, but then the show cheated by blatantly ripping off an outside source. Glen Larson is the creator of this series, as you know, and not for nothing is he referred to as “Glen Larceny” in the entertainment biz. There’s no story so well known that he won’t rip it off. We’ll see this again several times in the run of the story, and script