Greetings, fellow 'bots. Republibot 4.0 here. Since Republibot 3.0 needs to recharge his batteries, I've been activated to serve as your guest commentator. I'll be bringing you my (mostly) conservative views on Life, the Universe, and Everything until R3 returns or R2 and R1 come after me with a tire iron.
Science fiction tries to be avant garde, thought provoking, and profound. Usually it falls miserably short of this mark. Oh, there are some films that do succeed in being either beautiful to watch, or have compelling stories that stay with a viewer long after the popcorn is gone, but the vast, vast, vast majority of science fiction films are just dreadful mish-mashes of bad acting, bad effects, bad writing, and bad conception. And these are what give the genre a bad name.
Some films come so close to being good that you weep for them--you think that if only the film had had a bigger budget, or a better editor, they might have been Great Films. The film I'm reviewing today is not one of these.
In fact, there is not enough crack in the universe to make this film watchable to anyone who isn't a complete masochist with an article to turn in.
I've decided to start my reviews with a film deemed so bad that all other films look good by comparison, a film at the very nadir of science fiction--THE CREEPING TERROR.
I don't think it's fair to list who was responsible for this drekfest, but suffice it to say that the lead actor was also the director, producer, and editor. The guy who wrote the alleged screenplay tried to get out of his involvement when it became clear that his family name was going to be negatively affected by the fact that the prodiractoritor didn't seem to realise that the film was supposed to be a comedy.
If any of you have seen this film, I am sorry. You don't have to admit to it. Just like if you and twenty of your friends decided to go to Dragon*Con dressed as The Creeping Terror, nobody would admit to recognizing the costume.
This film is totally devoid of redeeming features. OK, so there's a cool sports car, but it's only on screen for 15 seconds. The acting, such as it is, looks like they gave the roles to any guy off the street who would pony up a hundred bucks toward the effects budget...which turns out to be exactly what they did. The space ship, which was an Atlas rocket launch run in reverse to simulate the "crash landing", is laid on its side behind some trees so that you won't see the canvas flapping in the breeze. Space ship hulls don't usually flap in the breeze. And since the ship lands on its side, the set builders don't have to muck about with a door--everybody enters the space ship by crawling under it. Conveniently all the instrumentation inside is still right-side-up, though, and looking like they borrowed it from the AV department of a local college.
In fact the whole film has the look and feel of a college production. From the badly framed shots to the horrendously ineffective overdubs, the movie appears to have been shot on a Super-8 camera. The dialog reel got lost somewhere along the way--I'm guessing the writer stormed off with the script--so the movie has a narrator. This makes it feel a little like a really bad Twilight Zone episode, only without Rod Serling, or anything even remotely Twilight Zone-ish. It's more like a pathetic 1950's training film of the sort Rod Serling may have been parodying. "Be careful, or this may happen to YOU!"
As if.
The short summary is that a space ship crash-lands in the California scrub, releasing a monster that proceeds to devour every human it encounters in Chicken Heart fashion. The monster looks like a cross between a termite and a sunflower, with a cluster of eye stalks reminiscent of the creature from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, only not nearly as realistic. The director must have felt it wasn't scary enough so he had a Persian carpet with fringe thrown over five grad students, and this is why it's the Creeping Terror: the guys under the carpet have to scounch along behind the guy in the termite suit.
Which means that the hapless victims of the monster, who could have easily escaped if they'd only tried harder--or just tried at all--have to ignore its approach despite the fact it's making noises like an irritated sea lion
REMEDIAL SF 101: The Creeping Terror
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Send submissions to me [email protected]. R4 will be doing some editing, and I'll send them on to him, but I don't know if he has the hang of the site's backend/office suite yet.
Thanks!
Ian
R2
This way off topic but who do we submit original fiction to for consideration and/or editing.
Welcome. Glad to see a new face here and new posts. Good job on the review, nice and snarky.
You shouldn't have let that stop you. Half the people who make science fiction don't seem to know diddly-squat about it, either.
You should all feel encouraged to chime in with stories or articles. This is your site. The Bots may be the hosts, but you're the guests who drive the conversation at this party.
R3 did a brilliant job of attracting a lot of very interesting people to this web site. I can only hope that most of them are still here. I've read and enjoyed much of the commentary posted in the various blogs and forums, and stand in awe of the knowledge you guys possess on such a wide range of topics. I often felt unqualified to join in the conversation, so I kept my mouth shut.
What I also find refreshing about the Republibot site is the general level of civility and respect that the members show toward each other. Too many of the message-boards I've looked at seem to exist solely to let ignorant reactionaries vomit their poison in anonymity and run away without repercussions. Here there is not only debate, but eloquent, respectful debate.
While I'm standing in for R3, I would like to encourage more of this dialog. I'm going to keep a light hand on the tiller, mostly because I know that if the ship hits the dock, I'm the one who'll catch hell for it.
So please, don't be shy about speaking up. A discussion board thrives on the quality and frequency of its contributors.
Congratulations on getting this gig, R4!
I was thinking about applying for it, but then there was that whole "I-don't-know-diddlysquat-about-science-fiction" thing that kind of put the kabosh on the idea.
Thank you. I hope I won't disappoint any of you. I've got really big shoes to fill here.
Nice job, R4, and welcome.
You've got the satire down pat, so, please, keep up the good work.
Greetings.
I've been a lurker here for a while. I couldn't stand the thought of the site having to shut down when R3's circuits got burned out, so when he shined the 'Bot Signal at the ether a few days ago, I volunteered my services as guest host. I'm honored that I was deemed acceptable to the Republibot triumvirate and will do my best to validate the trust they've placed in me. They've invested me with the Decoder Ring and taught me the Secret Handshake, and I'm all set to assume my duties as Republibot 4.0.
I've travelled around a bit, and am semi-retired. I am married to a soul mate who is extremely tolerant of me. I consider myself faily open-minded on some issues, and pretty opinionated on others. But I don't care to discuss religion or politics, because I value my friendships more than I do ideological points that can't be proven conclusively anyway.
Because I have a scientific mind, I have a wide range of interests--you might call me a dilettante, knowing a little about a lot of things, but not everything about any one thing. Sherlock Holmes is a role model of mine.
I have a particular fondness for the classic science fiction films and TV series, but a lot of the modern stuff leaves me cold. I was never very much into superhero comic books, so I'll defer that subject to those who are more qualified to discuss them than I am.
Obviously I'm Conservative, but I don't agree with everything all the time. I also have a number of very close friends from across the poltical and ideological spectrum. I make an effort to get along with people and I've learned to try to look at things from the other point of view before I pass judgement. In other words, I'm Right, just not all the time.
I have a lot of respect and admiration for the other Republibots. What they've been doing here is not easy. I'll try to carry the flag for them as far as I can.
Do we know you by a different handle? :-)
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Your question is not off-topic, Neorandomizer. And R2 has it right--until I have a better idea of what sort of fiction fits in with the parameters of the site, it's better if you send your stuff to him, and he'll forward it on to me for editing. I've already made a few new-guy goofs in posting my own stuff here that R2 had to tidy up for me.
I've been supplied with an email box through the Republibot site.
I have a few small works of my own that I'm hoping to run, but as the volunteer coffee-boy and floor sweeper, I'm going to run them past the higher management first, myself.
We're looking for content submissions, like reviews of movies, TV shows, books, games, toys, and conventions. I'm also hoping to win over some more converts to the science-fiction fold with the "SF Primer." My plan for this is to review the basics, the core stuff that's been around for so long that people take it for granted--after all, SF is all about racing to the future, not embracing the past, right? But a lot of people who may think they don't like science fiction, have probably already either read some, or grew up watching SF and don't even realize it.
Hey, I'd better stop here, or else I won't have any material left for my article!