These are trying times for Republicans. Not only did we lose the election, we got pantsed. Control of both houses and the presidency have been lost. We’re involved in two unpopular wars, we‘re bordering on a third, the government is deeply in debt, the international economy is in the crapper, and whether wrong or right, the strong public consensus is that it’s entirely our fault. Whether you’re a die-hard Bush supporter, or a moderate who feels mistakes were made, I think it’s pretty obvious that the party and its members are having a bit of an image problem right now.
To that end, I humbly submit this guide on how we can change our reputation and not be perceived as paranoid racists and raving religious fanatics, at least on a one-to-one basis.
LESSON 4: “Secession”
I’m a conservative, you’re a conservative, we’re all conservatives, we tend to identify ourselves based on our conservative views, we tend to flock together on and offline based around the things we believe in much the same way the other side does. That‘s human nature. But just as there is a radical fringe of liberalism that would make most Democrats step back and say, ‘Whoa, dude, that’s messed up!’ there is also a radical fringe of conservatism that is insidious, dangerous, and just plain wrong, and we need, need, need to distance ourselves from it publicly. I mean, there’s a difference between Conservative Views and Flat Out Whack-A-Mole Thinking, and we can’t let ourselves get subverted, or even associated with the latter if we ever want to be taken seriously in politics.
I’m referring to Secessionists.
This is not a new phenomenon, of course: There was a little thing called “The Civil War,” there were nasty almost-civil-war outbreaks of it in 1815 and 1830. There’s always been a pinch of it in our society, but it’s really mushroomed of late, to the point where everybody knows one: a person who seems rational enough, but then they start using words like ‘Statism’ and gibbering about how the president is really a Muslim spy sent here by the Illuminati to destroy us as part of their larger scheme to build landing pads for gay Martian flying saucers, who will then use them to fly Satan here from his home in the Crab Nebula. Then they start going on about Wyoming or Idaho or Kentucky or Vermont could be, nay, should be an independent nation, and how “Delaware doesn’t need America, America needs Delaware!” and how [Insert name of state here] would doubtless become a major world power, if only it were to cut lose the US of A, which is, of course, now a Godless, soulless, evil society governed by communist perverts who flout the intentions of the Founding Father.
Ok, I pumped that up a bit for comedic purposes. I admit I haven’t heard the whole “Satan Lives In The Crab Nebula” thing since the early ‘90s, and I got the “Landing pads for gay Martians” thing from a Dead Milkmen song (“Stuart”), but the rest of it is all stuff I’ve heard people saying (Though in some cases the names of the states have been changed to protect the guilty). The point being we all know people like this, maybe even some of the people reading this article *are* like this.
Well, I’m here today to tell you why this is idiocy and it makes all of us look bad.
#1 - IT’S RADICAL. “Conservatism” is all about holding on to core values about which society is based: God, Country, Family, Loyalty, Honesty, Honor, Barbeque. That’s not to say that Conservatism is opposed to social change - clearly it isn’t - but one of our fundamental precepts is that change should be incremental and somewhat slow, so as to make sure we’re not making a horrible mistake. You simply don’t change the rules of the game all at once - like the Democrats seem to want to do - and you *CERTAINLY* don’t get upset, knock over the table in the middle of the game, storm home, and load up your shotgun. That is, by definition, Radical, which is, by definition, not conservative.
If you want to do this, you are *not* a Conservative. Certainly you’re not a Republican.
#2 - IT’S DISLOYAL. As Republicans, we tend to believe in America far more than our Democratic cousins appear to. They’re always screaming and moaning about this or that perceived outrage, lobbying to destroy projects that would conceivably help their aims (Nuclear research,