Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our review of “Smallville.” Our regular critic on this beat - Republibot 2.0 - was having “Connectivity Problems” tonight, whatever that means, and asked me to step in for him.
Just in the interests of full disclosure, this was the first episode of “Smallville” I’ve ever seen. R2 informed me, however, that I’d probably like it because it had Zatanna in it:
I agreed that he was probably right. I’ve got a thing for scantily-dressed brunettes in top hats. But then, really, who doesn’t? There’s Neolithic cave paintings of that sort of thing, and the hat hadn’t even been invented yet. But I digress…
PLAY BY PLAY
There’s a science fiction convention in Metropolis, and Lois Lane is covering it, for some reason. Chloe is there, too.
There’s a 12-year-old kid who’s geek-lusting after a rare one-of-a-kind mint comic that’s never even been read, not by anyone, not even the publisher. Yow! The kid steals the comic book, and sneaks off to read it, and suddenly he’s transformed into a superhero, and saves Chloe from a large falling Saturn. She’s immediately smitten with him, and tracks him back to a storage room where he’s changing into civilian clothes. We re-enact an awkward scene from “Big” in which she’s essentially hitting on a 12-year-old boy without realizing it, and he asks her out for some coffee.
Clark, meanwhile, has disabled some thugs, one with a can - pretty funny - while talking to Lois on the phone. She wants a costume change, so he zips (literally) by her apartment and grabs something in a garment bag for her, at her request. At the convention, he gives it to her, but then Zatanna shows up looking a bit like this:
Which isn’t a bad way to look, really. Lois, now dressed as Xena, Warrior Princess, gets jealous, and goes off to look for the comic because evidently she’s not exactly an ace reporter yet, and she’s stuck on the Entertainment beat.
Clark and Zatanna find the storeroom and the comic almost immediately, then discuss Clark’s somewhat stiff personality and lack of a fantasy life. He explains that he’s living everyone else’s fantasy already, and it’s pretty mundane to him. Zatanna does some mojo, and suddenly we’re in the Police video for “Wrapped Around My Finger” - there’s candles everywhere - and she zaps Clark with a love spell. The two of them start macking, and Z. hops up on his lap, and it’s almost surprisingly steamy for a show about Superman when Clark snaps out of it and says he can’t. Zatanna expresses remorse at this, and heads off.
Chloe, meanwhile, has coffee with our ersatz Captain Marvel, then takes him back to her place…to play X-Box. She’s a bit disappointed, but this is a show about Superman, and we’ve already surpassed our Steamy quota for the season. They go out flying instead.
Lois, meanwhile, is upset w/ Clark about the whole Zatanna thing as he awkwardly tries to explain that Zatanna wasn’t trying to ‘be’ anyone at the convention, that’s just sort of how she dresses all the time. It’s weird. Back at the Watchtower, Chloe checks in all flushed and in love, and realizes that her new beau is in fact, just a boy. She freaks out and runs to warn him as Clark discovers that the comic protagonist isn’t actually a hero, he’s a villain once he feels betrayed. Sure enough, Chloe is telling him that she’s going to have Zatanna turn him back into a little boy who gets picked on all the time and has no parents, and of course he hulks out. (Different universe, I know, but you get my meaning). Zatanna puts the whammy on him, and the magical shockwave knocks Chloe off the art deco gargoyle she was precariously balanced on, and she falls. Clark catches her of course, and the boy is just a boy again.
Back at the Kent farm, Clark explains to the kid that being a hero isn’t all beer and skittles (Unless, of course, that’s your superpower) and ‘with great power comes great responsibility.’ They bond, and then he’s returned to his surprisingly young and attractive aunt. Clark fesses up to Lois that he made out with Zatanna, and Lois says - rather humorously - that she knew all along because Clark has no poker face and is just a mass of Tells. They address their