BAD MOVIE REVIEWS:EARTHSTORM(2006)

Fred

Here begins our new feature on really bad "made for TV" (or they should've been) Sci-Fi shlockfests. Since nothing says 'Shlockfest' like a Baldwin Brother and the Hot Redhead from '24' (except maybe Republibot 36-24-36's cousin Ira), we begin with EARTHSTORM and our special mystery guest contributor. Some say he sleeps inside out. Others say that he has a watch that tells time by morse code. All we know is we call him.... Fred! [-Editor (RB2)]

Earth VS the Giant Space Rice Krispies!

Disclaimer: They didn't actually call it NASA. It was the ASA or something.
But we know who they meant!!

EARTHSTORM is an Armageddon 'homage' starring one of the lesser Baldwins.
Not Billy I don't think. That doesn't narrow it down one darn bit, does it?

Giant uncharted asteroid hits the far side of the moon. Apparently just
hours later debris starts whacking into us (you'd think it would be headed
AWAY from us. I'd also think it would take a while to get here. I'd also
think that if it did get here like a Domino's Pizza, in 30 minutes or less,
the story would end right there. But go figure). NASA covers up the fact
that meteors are hitting us and wiping out cities and that there's a crack
in the moon and a huge halo of Giant Space Rice Krispie debris you can see
from Earth but many people figure it out by hearing rumors.

Demolition guy Baldwin as Bruce Willis is blowing up a building. As they're
about to push the button, everybody wearing heavy clothes and helmets and
flack jackets except the extremely hot female assistant who's in shorts,
suddenly the 9th floor blows up. This causes the entire system of explosives
to become 'unbalanced' and wackiness ensues. Since they can't stop the
countdown, Bruce Baldwin runs up to the 9th floor (with a pack of
DYNAMITE!), finds pillar 8A which is what blew up (and is totally
unscathed), sticks a new pack of explosives on it (completely fixing the
problem, except the problem is in no way fixed), finds the homeless guy who
set off the explosives (and who is also completely unscathed) and races out
of the building with seconds to spare. They head off to their next job in
Baltimore, which is almost immediately hit by Giant Space Rice Krispie
meteorite debris.

Meanwhile some red headed scientist portrayed by a woman whose acting
training came from doing makeovers in the local mall, and who is expending
all of her 'talent' trying to hide her accent, realizes her father predicted
this exactly, but was driven out of the business and to his death by evil
government scientist Dirk Benedict. NASA calls her in because nobody will
listen to her.

I'm not really sure what happened to the moon. At various points in the
story it's shifted it's orbit, the crap is coming from the asteroid, the
crap is coming from the moon, there's a rift a 100 times the size of the
grand canyon in the moon and the crap is spewing out of THAT, and anything
that leaves the far size of the moon for whatever reason whacks us about a
half an hour later.

Part of this is explained when cute shorts demo girl finds a hunk of the
moon (after dodging into a canvas tent to avoid a major Giant Space Rice
Krispie meteorite impact about 50 feet away) just laying there in Baltimore,
a big hunk clearly made out of foam that nobody handles like it weighs more
than an empty coffee cup, and it turns out we were wrong about what the moon
was made of all along -- it's hitting us so hard because it's composed of
uranium. In the form of Giant Space Rice Krispies.

NASA decides the only way to stop the moon from bombarding us (at this point
Mexico City is suddenly destroyed, but nobody mentions it again) is to fly
up to the moon and set off nukes and seal the fissure. Of course, Baldwin
must go with them, for only he can push the button.

Red decides that since the moon is all magnetic and everything, we should
use a special magnetic bomb that no one has ever built instead. Of course,
Baldwin must go with them, for only he can push the button. Of a bomb he's
never heard of the theory behind or seen, as it doesn't exist.

Starbuck vetoes the plan. Through the entire movie he walks in whenever
they're planning something; nobody at NASA *ever* closes a door.

They take off in a space shuttle, which despite the nukes being the size of
a couple of suitcases, only holds 3 people; cute female pilot, random
astronaut, Bruce Baldwin. Random astronaut is immediately knocked out for
the duration of the flight. Shuttle has gravity, and a continuous floor
between the flight deck and the cargo bay, almost as though it was a left
over set from a high school stage play.

Shuttle lifts off, jettisons its SRBs and liquid fuel tanks together, and,
with main engines still roaring, flies to the moon, dodging and weaving
incoming Giant Space Rice Krispie rocks, accelerating the whole way.
Granted, they have auxiliary strap on nuclear engines that no one had ever
built or tried before as well.

They get to the moon, fly down to the surface (while this shuttle has
internal gravity, external gravity doesn't affect it at all) and sort of
hover.

Cute shorts demo chick shows up at NASA with the very light rock. Analysis
indicates it's uranium, which means Starbuck was wrong, and they should have
sent the magnetic bomb instead of the nukes. The Earth is doomed.

NASA brainstorms and figures out how to take unused parts from the shuttle's
communication systems to turn the nukes into a magbomb. Bruce Baldwin does
this while cute pilot hovers.

Starbuck realizes red haired scientist did all the math wrong, and they need
100 times more bomb. The Earth is doomed.

Starbuck saves the day by realizing they happen to have auxiliary nuke
engines strapped to the outside of the shuttle, that Bruce Baldwin can get
to, somehow.

Baldwin realizes the new charge needs to be set off in a new location. The
new location? THE CENTER OF THE MOON! Yes, they need to fly the shuttle to .
. . THE CORE!!!!!

Luckily, the fissure goes all the way to the center of the moon. They fly
down, dump the bomb, eject their engines, and, main engines still blasting
away, race for the surface as the mag bomb goes off, the fissure sucks
itself shut, the moon "heals itself" and returns to it's proper orbit, and
all the incoming Giant Space Rice Krispie stuff that was about to destroy
the Earth is just . . forgotten about. Cute pilot, engines STILL GOING FULL
THROTTLE, despite the fact that she left the fuel tank back on Earth and the
strap on engines in the moon, races back as unhurt extra astronaut comes to.
BTW, all this apparently happened in about half an hour, as cute shorts girl
hasn't even gone to the ladies' room to wipe the soot off her pert little
nose yet.

Back on Earth, everybody loves everybody, Starbuck is forgiven, Red's dad is
vindicated, Red goes back to work for NASA, Red and Bruce Baldwin pair off,
Red's assistant who didn't have enough of a part to matter and was in love
with her scores with cute shorts girl, mostly 'cause there wasn't anybody
else with enough lines to pair her with except Starbuck who stoically rode
back to Washington, and the weather is all fine, and nobody cares that
Mexico City is gone.

The End.

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