Alien Welcoming Committee

Sam White
Sam White's picture


Proving once again that they are, well, whatever the U.N. is supposed to be, they have appointed Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman to be the first person to greet the space aliens, should any of them ever land on earth.


Is that stupid, or what?  For starters, let’s say I’m out in a field pursuing my constitutional right to kill varmints with low-yield explosives packed into stale Ding-Dongs and a ship full of space aliens lands.  Does this mean I can’t greet them on my own (with low-yield explosives packed into stale Ding-Dongs) or do I have to place a call to Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman and then wait around until he shows up?  What will we talk about?


What if they decide to shoot at me?  Am I allowed to shoot back or am I obligated by law to just sit there quietly while waiting for Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman to either a] get there or, in the worst case scenario 2] take my call to begin with?  I don’t know how it works for you, but my trial runs—just in the interest of being prepared, you understand—to place a person to person call to Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman have not met with much success.


And what if, when the aliens land, Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman just happens to be next door, joining my next door neighbor’s teenage son’s garage band in the only song they know (it’s either “Whole Lotta Love” or “Flight of the Bumblebee”, I can’t tell) but when he comes over to speak to the alien spokesman they can’t understand each other?  Am I going to be required to translate because I really have more important things to do than to wait around while some astrophysicist who—in spite of the title—knows remarkably little about the Astros goes through all the pleasantries of what the weather’s like on Alpha Centuari?


Like pretty much all U.N. decisions, this one just seems to be poorly thought out.  As usual, we were not made privy to the “debate” that led to Mister Othman’s selection.  Were other people considered?  Were there any whales on the committee?  What sort of food did they serve the people who made this decision?  Did the fact that that cigarette smoking chimpanzee who has been in the news for the last 53 years recently died—after exceeding the normal lifespan of his species by 10 years!—have anything to do with the decisions they made and why would it?!?


I can’t help but think that the NTSB’s recent decision to start using female crash test dummies comes in to play here somewhere.  I mean, after all, if we’re worried about being sexist in our dealings with dummies, what’s next?  Are we going to worry that penguins are under-represented at the local bird bath?  Where will it all end?  And, while I’m here, after the wreck does the female crash test dummy blame the crash on the male crash test dummy?  In the interest of accuracy, I would guess she would.  And maybe he crashed because she was … no, I should probably stop that line of thinking before it goes any further.


Finally, I’d just like to sum it all up by saying that I’m against this whole UN outreach to space aliens on the basis that, somehow, I fear that not only will the U.S. be forced to pay for it all, it seems like a waste of time to hire this Othman guy for a job that “goodwill ambassador” Angelina Jolie would probably do for free.  She’s that kind of thoughtful, giving woman.


Whenever the aliens do land, I think we should greet them by playing music from the band “Crash Test Dummies”.  Somehow, that just seemed appropriate.


Author's note: it has been pointed out that Mazlan Othman may be, in fact, a woman.  The author regrets this mistake in research and promises no noticable changes in the future